In my work as a therapist, one area I like to focus on with every couple I meet is developing resilience. This means helping each couple build certain qualities that will help their relationships be resilient to the many internal and external stressors which they face, whether it be loss, financial problems, children, work, health, ect. Below I have listed five qualities I found that build resilience in relationships:

 

• 1) Never be too busy to communicate: Taking time to communicate in the present (i.e. today) builds trust and connection between the partners. While it is important to have a good understanding of your partners needs and wants based on past communication, it is important not to make assumptions about what the other persons needs (or is thinking) in the present moment or situation. This helps to reduce the potential for hurt feelings and misunderstandings. Each present moment has its own unique qualities, being mindful of our feelings on the present moment as well as mindful of the possible verbal and non-verbal signs of our partner is important to be able to respond in a skilled way to each new situation. For more information about developing the quality of mindfulness please read Thich Nahn Han’s book “The Miracle of Mindfulness”.

• 2) Maintain Your Marriage. Good marriages and relationships need to be maintained on a regular basis. (Similar to ones physical health, home, auto, furnace, garden ect.) Without regular maintenance and care any relationship will begin to break down and either drift or fall apart. Partners take time on a regular basis to process and work through conflict so resentments don’t build up. Time is also taken to discuss how the relationship has been going recently, from each partner’s viewpoint, sharing what they enjoy about the relationship and areas they would like improved. Partners also set boundaries around their relationship and make sure that external demands (like work and children and social obligations) do not interfere with the couple’s closeness, and their ability to be emotionally intimate with each other.

• 3) Make sure to fight fair. Fighting fair means that the couple has rules about how to manage disagreements and/ or conflict, so that the discussion is about the conflict and does not lead to hurt feelings. Arguments do not go below the belt and statements are not made with the intent to guilt or shame the other partner. Conflict focuses on the present problem and does not bring up past issues. Since all relationships at times have disagreement between the partners, it is important that the disagreement be expressed. When disagreement is not expressed, and held inside, it can turn into resentment, apathy, and passive aggressive behavior.

• 4) Perspective Perspective Perspective. Last year I read a great article in Pyschology Today that was about differences in marrages and issues that the partners were never able to come to an agreement on. The article says that almost every couple has 1 to 2 areas of disagreement, which arises from each partner having sifferent perspnalities, histories, viewpoints, and metabolism. What is important is not that differences exist, but how they are managed. Having perspective helps the marriage stay positive rather than being overwhelmed by the differences. Cultivating an attitude of gratitude and being able to appreciate and enjoy the positive aspects of your partner vs. focusing on trying to change the aspects you don’t like helps develop a healthy positive relationship.

• 5) Take care of yourself! When I was in graduate school, I was taught in family systems class is that the foundation of the marriage is each individual partners emotional and physical health. Therefore how individuals maintain their emotional and physical health directly effect the quality of the relationship. Seeking treatment for physical and mental health problems when needed as well as having relationships and connections besides the marriage (i.e. work, friendships, community involvement, family, religious community) helps keep the vitality of the relationship.

The five qualities mentioned came from the many couples I have come into contact with, both personally and professionally. While each couple was slightly different in terns of age, and demographics, these qualities I mentioned were a common thread in all the relationships. In closing, I hope you enjoyed this short blog piece. My intention is that this article becomes a catalyst for the reader to think about what creates resilience in relationships; and not that the qualities I mentioned are exclusive. I welcome your comments and feedback.

Bibliography:

Marano, Hara E Unconventional Wisdom: Stop This Divorce Psychology Today May 2015

Nahn Hahn, Thich The Miracle of Mindfulness 1999 Beacon Press